Question: I find myself in need of some relationship tips. My fiance and I have been together for 7 years. We have a 6 year old boy together, and he has been a wonderful father from the moment we learned we were going to have a baby. The problem is I want more children and he doesn’t. This is really the only thing that we ever disagree on. I just hit 30 last month and if I do not have more children soon I am afraid it will be too late. I can’t really see leaving him over this, but I also cannot live with the thought of never having any more children. How can I get him to agree to more children or should I just stop taking my pills? Signed Marta, from Pennsylvannia
Answer: I can see where you are upset over this situation. Having children is one of the few great joys of life. Especially if you have two loving parents that are committed to each other as you seem to be. I sense a feeling of urgency in your question because of your age. Please rest assured that many women today have chosen to delay children until later in life. Women can get pregnant and deliver healthy babies well into their 40’s. So while your mental clock may be speeding over time, know that your biological one is probably not ready to quit just yet.
Simply stopping your birth control should not be an option in your mind. By doing that you manipulate the situation and force him into fatherhood that he has clearly stated he is not ready for. There is also the possibility that he will find out about your duplicity and feel strongly enough about it to end the relationship you have enjoyed for the past seven years. This will not only hurt the two of you but will also have a lasting impact on the child you already have.
The underlying issue here is the communication between you and your partner. Has he ever stated why he didn’t want more children? Have you ever asked? If you bring it up on a weekly basis in a way that puts him on the defense you will not be able to communicate with him about it. Men tend to shut down when they feel forced into a discussion they are unwilling to have. If this is a weekly or even monthly discussion for the two of you I would suggest letting the subject rest for a minimum of 4 months. Not bringing it up again for 6-7 months would be even better.
You can implement these top relationship tips carefully and with patience. After a few months of letting the subject matter rest, choose to reintroduce the discussion in a more neutral manner. Wait until he is relaxed and start the discussion with positive statements. You also want to reassure him that you are simply seeking to understand his point of view. Use “I” statements to describe what you understand his position as. “What is your favorite part of being a parent” is a good opener. When he answers share your favorite part. Then let him know that you are aware of how he feels about having more children, but that you would like a little bit of clarification on the reasoning behind his decision.
When he talks. Listen. Do not interrupt. Let him finish his full thought, and pause before you reply. When you do reply let him know that you heard what he said by rephrasing it and saying it back to him. Ex: “You want to be on good financial ground before thinking of more kids then, is that right?” If that is the reasoning you then know it isn’t that he is opposed to more children per se, he just wants to make sure that as a man he is able to adequately care for his family. For the best results take these valuable relationship tips on board.
Once you are both able to communicate effectively your reasoning behind more children you will be better equipped to make decisions about your family size. If he has other reasons that you are not sure how to handle seeking a professional to help you accept his decision may be in order.
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